CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR
He taketh, He giveth
It
was swallowed by darkness…. My nursery.
For a moment, I stood just inside the doorway, unable to move. I could barely make out the shapes of the furniture, but I didn't need to see them to know where everything was. I had chosen every piece myself. I had spent hours planning how the room would look, where the crib would stand, where the rocking chair would sit, and how the afternoon sunlight would spill across the floor while I held my baby in my arms.
My
baby.
I
swallowed hard, forcing the thought away, but it lingered, settling heavily in
my chest. I took a tentative step forward, then another, allowing my instinct
to guide me through the darkness. My fingers brushed against the edge of a
cabinet, and I paused, my breath catching. I knew this room. I knew every
corner, every piece of furniture, every little detail I had so carefully put
together.
I
kept moving until my fingers found the curtains. I gripped the fabric and
pulled it aside, then reached for the window. The latch resisted slightly
beneath my trembling fingers, but I managed to release it. I pushed the window
open, and a cool breeze swept through me into the room, carrying with it the
fresh, earthy scent of leaves and damp soil. Light slowly spilled across the
nursery.
I
blinked, allowing my eyes to adjust, and then I looked outside. Unlike the
other side of the house, where the Seine stretched endlessly beyond the glass
walls, this side overlooked a thick expanse of greenery like my bedroom. Trees
stood tall and close together, their branches spreading into one another to
form a beautiful canopy. Beneath them, layers of lush vegetation stretched into
the distance, their leaves shimmering in the afternoon sunlight. The breeze
stirred the branches gently, sending ripples through the sea of green. A few
birds darted between the trees, their faint calls reaching me through the open
window.
It
was beautiful…. so beautiful.
I had
always loved this view. There was something peaceful about it, something
untouched by the rest of the world. When I had first seen this room, I had
imagined opening these windows every morning, letting the fresh air in while my
baby slept peacefully in the crib. I had imagined standing here with a little
one in my arms, pointing out the birds, watching tiny fingers reach for the
leaves swaying outside, and listening to the sweet sounds of a child
discovering the world for the first time.
I had
imagined so much. I had so much hopes and dreams
I
closed my eyes as a tear slipped down my cheek and when I opened them again, my
gaze fell on the crib. It stood exactly where I had left it, beautiful and
untouched. The soft bedding was still neatly arranged, the
little pillows placed carefully against the headboard. Beside it stood the
changing table, with its drawers filled with tiny clothes I had spent weeks
choosing. The wardrobe stood against the opposite wall, its doors closed,
concealing little outfits that had never felt the warmth of my baby's skin.
Everything
was ready, the nursery was complete in every way that mattered to the eyes and
yet, the one thing this room needed was the one thing I could never give it. My
knees weakened, and I reached for the edge of the window frame to steady
myself. I caught sight of the empty wooden name plate on the wall next to the crib, her name was supposed to be written on that. Then, I stared at the crib, trying to understand how something I had once
looked at with so much happiness could now hurt me so deeply.
A sob
rose in my throat, I pressed a trembling hand against my mouth, trying to
contain the sob that threatened to escape but it was no use. Another escaped,
followed by a strangled cry that seemed to tear its way out of me. I shook my
head, squeezing my eyes shut, as though refusing to look at the room would
somehow make the pain disappear… But it didn't.
It is
happening again, Bewa, snap out of it
The
pain was everywhere. In the tiny clothes folded neatly in the wardrobe. In the
blankets I had carefully chosen. In the rocking chair where I had imagined
spending countless nights holding my daughter. Every little thing reminded me
of the life I had prepared for her, the life I had been so certain we would
have.
And
suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
You
are losing your grip, I can feel it
I
stumbled away from the window, my chest tightening as the memories came rushing
back. The hospital. The pain. The blood. The unbearable moment when the future
I had dreamed of was ripped away from me. I had fought so hard to survive it,
had spent so long trying to convince myself that I was finally getting better,
but standing in that room made it feel as though none of that time had passed.
You
survived this, do you hear me? You have survived this, you can again
I was
back there again, trapped inside the same nightmare, watching my world fall
apart with nothing I could do to stop it.
What
do you mean, there is nothing you can do about it, you are not alone, go to
Marcus
My
legs gave way, and I sank to the floor beside the crib. I clutched the wooden
railing, burying my face against it as the sobs took over, each one harder and
more painful than the last. I tried to stop, to draw a proper breath, to remind
myself that I was no longer in that hospital, that the worst was over, that I
had survived. But the words meant nothing.
BEWAJI!
STAND UP AND GO TO MARCUS
I want to. God, I really want to. I wanted to get up, walk out of this room, and find Marcus waiting downstairs, just as he had promised. I wanted to let him hold me until I could breathe again. But I couldn't move. My mind screamed at me to stand, yet my body remained curled on the floor beside the crib. I planted my palms against the floor and tried to push myself up, but my arms trembled, and I sank back down.
I
couldn’t do it
BEWA,
YOU CAN DO IT, GET UP
I tried
again but to no avail. I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting to pull myself out of
the darkness gathering around me, but every attempt only seemed to draw me
deeper into it.
THEN,
USE YOUR VOICE, CALL HIM
I
tried calling him, but my throat had tightened, and even the thought of opening
my mouth felt exhausting. I tried moving again, but I couldn't make my body
obey me. All I could think about was my baby.
My
Ami
My
Davina
My
little girl, who should have been here. Who should have worn those clothes,
slept in that crib, filled this beautiful room with her cries and laughter. I
had done everything to prepare for her arrival, and now I was sitting on the
floor, surrounded by everything she would never get to use. I had thought I was
strong enough to come back here. I had believed that facing these memories
would help me finally put them behind me. Instead, the ball in my chest kept
growing bigger and wider, swallowing me whole again, dragging me beneath its
familiar weight
Then,
call out to the biggest strength of your life
What?
He is
our refuge and strength, our very present help in trouble. You are in trouble,
call out to him
God?
Yes,
God. He is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. He has
being our rock, our fortress, our deliverer. That has not changed and it will never
change
I blamed
him, deep down I blamed him. How
could I ask Him for comfort when I had spent so long believing He was the
reason I needed comforting in the first place? How could I ask Him to listen
when I had stopped believing He was listening at all?
I had
once spoken to Him about everything. The smallest worries, the biggest dreams,
the things I was too afraid to tell another soul. I had trusted Him with the
parts of me I had hidden from the world. But after losing my daughter, I hadn't
known what to do with a God who could allow such pain to exist. So, I had
pushed Him away, telling myself I no longer needed Him, even as a part of me
waited desperately for Him to prove that I had been wrong.
He is
our father, we are the prodigal child. As long as we go back to him, he will
always forgive us. So call out to him, he will listen
I don’t
know how to
Then call
out to him the best way you can
I
lifted my head, staring at nothing in particular. My lips parted, but no words
came. I tried again, willing my mouth to form a sound, any sound, but my throat
tightened, and I was left gasping for air. Somewhere at the back of my mind, it
started
I love
You, Lord
For, Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
And
all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
Suddenly, a thin, broken note escaped me, My eyes flew
open, and for a moment, I simply sat there, startled by the smallness of it.
Then I closed them again and tried to find the melody.
I love
Your voice
You
have led me through the fire
The next note came more easily and my voice cracked halfway
through the line. A sob threatened to swallow the song, but I held on to the
tune and continued singing softy.
And in
darkest night You are close like no other
I've known You as a Father
I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God, yeah
And
all my life You have been faithful, oh
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God, yeah
'Cause
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
I sang through the tears running down my face. I sang when
my voice shook. I sang when the memory of my daughter threatened to pull me
back into the darkness. And when the words became too difficult to form, I
hummed the melody, letting it continue where my voice failed.
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me, oh-oh
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it keeps running after me
And
all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna sing
Oh, 'cause
'Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
We
love You for that
One for all my days
By
the time, I sang the last line, my cheeks were wet, my eyes burned, and my body
felt exhausted but the
first time since entering the nursery, I could take a full breath without
feeling as though the room were closing in around me. My shoulders were loosened,
my fingers were unclenched on my lap and the crushing pressure in my chest has
began to ease. So, I continued right here on my knee but this time, my voice
grew stronger
God of
creation
There at the start
Before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark
And fleshed out the wonder of light
And as
You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapor of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've made
Every burning star
A signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises so will I
He was the beginning and the end. The Alpha and the Omega.
The One who had been before me and would remain long after I was gone.
God of
Your promise
You don't speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice
And as
You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I
So will I
So will I
If the
stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we'll sing again a hundred billion times
Who was I to claim that I understood the whole of God's
ways? Who was I to believe that because I could not understand His will, He had
ceased to be God? Who the hell was I to questioned him?
GOD WAS STILL GOD
God of
salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And as
You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Like
You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You're the One who never leaves the one behind
I sang the last lines with tears running freely down my face with sudden realization that he giveth and he taketh. It was not my place to understand his way and I would never comprehend his way. Everything that happened is has he willed it and that I am nothing but mud in his hands to be molded the way he wants.
My daughter would always be mine. Nothing could change that. Nothing could take away the love I had for her or erase the brief, precious time she had been part of my life. I am accepting that...
But I am also accepting that I could not undo what had happened. I am accepting to surrender to his will even when I am still struggling to understand why he allowed me to suffer. I am accepting that I could love my daughter and still move forward. I could mourn her and still find reasons to live. I am accepting that I would never understand why my story turned out this way but what I will not accept any longer is to let my tragedy hold me prisoner
For a
moment, I stayed where I was, gathering the courage to do what I had come here
to do. Then I placed my hands on the floor and pushed myself up. My legs
trembled beneath me, and I reached for the window frame until I found my
balance. I stood there for a few seconds, breathing slowly, my gaze fixed on
the crib.
I had
promised myself that I would not let this visit destroy me. I had promised
Marcus that I would try and that is what I am going to do
I had
thought all I needed today was strength to leave this room untouched, keeping
my grief hidden behind a closed door, and somehow find a way to return to the
life I had lived but maybe, what I needed for was the strength to admit that a
chapter had ended and it is time to close that chapter
So, I
turned towards the wardrobe and opened it. Inside were the tiny clothes I had
chosen with so much excitement. The gender-neutral clothes I had brought
because I didn’t know her sex. Little sleepsuits, soft blankets, and carefully
folded outfits I had pictured my baby growing into. I ran my fingers over one of
the smallest clothes, and for a moment, the pain rose so sharply that I had to
close my eyes.
“I
wish you could have worn this, Amioluwa,” I whispered. My voice broke, but I
didn't collapse. I held the cloth against my chest for a moment, pressing it to
me as though I could somehow hold on to the dream attached to it.
Let
take it one item at a time
Then, I folded it carefully and placed it in a box I beside the wardrobe, then I took
another clothing item off the carefully arranged hanger and folded it too
before placing it in the box
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT SATURDAY, 9.00 PM WAT
MUSIC CREDITS
This chapter references the following musical works:
“Goodness of God” — written by Ben Fielding, Brian Johnson, Edward Martin Cash, Jason Ingram and Jenn Johnson
“So will I” — written by Benjamin William Hastings, Joel Timothy Houston and Michael John Fatkin
All rights to the songs and their lyrics belong to their respective songwriters, artists, publishers, and copyright holders. The songs are referenced solely for storytelling and thematic purposes. No ownership or copyright claim is made over the musical works.
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