I was unable to publish yesterday due to some unforeseen circumstance, I apologize for any inconvenience caused. Thank you for your understanding
CHAPTER EIGHTY FIVE
I had a baby
But she died.
I failed her.
Where did I go wrong?
But I was selfish.
And my baby died because of that.
But she died.
“Bewaji!” a voice called out to me, and I looked in the direction of the voice. The doctor stood at the foot of the bed, flipping through her chart while Alice stood next to her. The room felt calm,the machines were no longer screaming in panic.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Your vitals are stable,” the young doctor said with a smile. “Your blood pressure is much better, there is no active bleeding, and your incision is healing nicely.”
I looked back down as the doctor continued talking.
“We reviewed your blood work this morning, and there are no signs of infection. If you develop any fever, severe pain, dizziness……”
But she died.
I failed her.
Where did I go wrong?
I never should have gone through……
“Bewaji!”
I looked up at the two women in the room with me. The doctor stopped talking, and their gazes lingered on me.
There it is.
The look I have come to hate.
Pity.
Like I was something fragile and broken.
“Are you listening?” Alice asked as she moved closer to touch me, but unconsciously, I withdrew. “Bewa…” she called in a soft voice.
“I am getting discharged, right?” I turned to the doctor.
“Yes. I just said there will be follow-up appointments. Just checkups to ensure you are healing nicely. The nurse will be here with your discharge papers soon, but…” She closed the chart and moved closer to me.
“I…” she hesitated. “What happened was traumatic, and I am very sorry for your loss.”
There was silence.
“Physically, I have done my best, and I am happy with the results I have seen,” she continued carefully. “But emotionally, I want to help too.”
I tightened my fingers around the bedsheet and looked away when my eyes started to tingle.
I don’t deserve to cry.
“We have arranged counseling services if and when you are ready,” she added gently. “You don’t have to go through this ordeal alone.”
I nodded without looking at her.
Soon, I was walking out of my room with Alice when the person I saw in the corridor was Delphine.
“Hello, Bewaji,” she said with a soft smile and walked right in front of me. She hugged me, and the warmth I felt invaded the emptiness in my chest.
Then she looked into my eyes. “I know everyone has been telling you they are sorry for your loss, and at the moment, you are probably disgusted by those words, and that is okay. Also, you can’t blame them because that is all they can say.” She picked up my hands and caressed them warmly. “I know it is hard, but you are strong, the strongest person I have ever seen. You will get through this, I promise.” She offered me comforting words with a bright smile.
I killed my baby.
Nothing is ever going to be okay again.
So, I removed my hands from hers and walked away.
“Bewaji!” Alice shouted and ran after me. She held my hand to stop me when she caught up to me, but I quickly pulled away and stepped back from her.
“I am sorry,” she apologized for her action. “I need to talk to her. Please wait for me. I will be back shortly.”
I looked back at Delphine, who was a few steps away from me. She smiled at me, but I looked away without acknowledgment.
“I will be back within a minute,” Alice told me and went back to Delphine. I watched them talk, quietly and regularly looking back at me with that same look on their faces.
Pity.
Is this my life now?
Already being alive feels like my head is under water. Do I have to tolerate the pitying glances, the careful words, the lingering stares, the awkward silence, the controlled voices, and the polite smiles too?
I am sick of it.
I don’t deserve their pity.
I killed my baby.
I am the murderer here, not the victim.
And I deserve to be punished for it.
“DING!”
I heard the sound of the elevator, and I rushed into it. By the time Alice noticed, the elevator door was closing, and I saw her eyes widen as the color drained from her face. I got out of the elevator and hurriedly left the hospital.
A young lady exited a taxi, and I entered immediately.
“Tu vas où? (Where are you going?)” the driver asked me in French.
Where do I go?
At that moment, Alice ran out of the hospital, looking around in panic as she tried to catch sharp, uneven breaths.
“Où, Madame? (Where, Madame?)” the driver inquired again, and I looked away from Alice for a second. By the time I turned back to her, we made eye contact, and I saw the relief in her eyes. Then she started running towards me.
“Numéro cinq, rue Ring, quartier Compass. (Number 5, Ring Street, Compass District.)”
“Alright.”
“Arrête! (Stop!)” Alice shouted as the car started to move away, and then she started running after it.
Sorry, Alice, but I don’t deserve your care.
But she died.
I failed her.
Where did I go wrong?
But I was selfish.
And my baby died because of that.
But she died.
I failed her.
Where did I go wrong?
But I was selfish.
And my baby died because of that.
But she died.
I failed her.
Where did I go wrong?
"Madame!" The driver suddenly yelled and I looked at him in fright
"J’ai dit que votre course coûte 123 euros, où êtes-vous ? (I said your fee will be 123 euros, where were you?)" he informed me angrily
"Desole (Sorry)" I looked around me and noticed that we were no longer on the busy streets of Paris but in the suburb and the car was already in front of a familiar residential building, and the driver looked back at me.
“Madame, mon argent (Madame, my fee)” the driver reminded me angrily and suddenly, I realized that I had no money on me.
“Madame?” the driver called in a stern voice as he suddenly realized he might not get paid.
“Je n’ai pas l’argent. (I have no money.)” I said in a low voice.
“Quoi?! (What?!)” he exclaimed.
This situation felt awfully familiar. The day I ran from Alice at the hotel after I was told my fate. I had no money back then. I offered my wedding ring to the driver, who was compassionate enough to give it back to me. Just like that day, the only thing of value on me was my wedding ring, but unlike last time, I removed it from my finger without hesitation.
“Have this.” I handed him the ring. “It will suffice.”
I opened the door.
“Madame!” he called after me, but I didn’t answer. I walked toward the very familiar gate and pressed the doorbell.
“Who is it?” the familiar voice of the security man came through the intercom.
“Bewaji.”
“Madame Bewa?” the voice replied urgently, and the door opened.
I entered, and the young man came rushing to me.
“It is really you, Madame Bewa,” he chuckled happily.
“Hello, Carlo,” I greeted with a soft smile.
“It has been a while.” Then he gave me a once-over and frowned. “Are you okay, Madame Bewa? You look lean,” he commented in a concerned voice.
I looked into the compound and counted three cars parked in front of the duplex at the center of the compound. I walked away from Carlo toward the house. I opened the front door and entered. I heard voices, and I moved in the direction of the sound.
I entered the dining room, the source of the voices, and there I found my friends… or the people I considered friends, in the middle of their lunch.
The first person to look at me was a familiar face, yet somehow unknown. I watched her glare at me. Noticing her reaction, one by one, the others turned to look at me, and they froze.
“Bewaji!” one of them finally found her voice while the others went completely still, but they were all irrelevant because I came here for one person, and he was looking at me like he had just seen a ghost.
“Hello, Marcus,” I uttered in a low voice.
“What are you doing here?” Joy queried with a glare, which was not surprising. She had shown her dislike for me on many occasions. Fatima, on the other hand, slowly rose from her seat and walked toward me. As she did, she gave me a once-over and looked at me with concern.
“Are you okay, Bewaji?” she asked. “It looks like you already put to bed.” Then she tried to place her hand on my belly, but I moved away before she could. I turned to Marcus, who sat at the head of the table.
“Please, Marcus. I need a place to sleep,” I requested. “My place is noisy.”
Then he slowly stood up and strode toward me. His gaze lingered on me as he stopped in front of me.
“Come on,” he answered and moved out of the dining room.
“What?” Joy exclaimed. “Are you kidding me, Marcus?”
I followed him without acknowledging the others.
TO BE CONTINUED ON NEXT SATURDAY, 9.00PM WAT.
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