I am in love, I am in love with a PSG Player…. Hello guys, how are you all? Have you all been great? I really hope you are all good, but as for me, am not

Do you have that voice in your head, a voice that tells you what to do? When you want to go left and tells you to go right? When you are down and feels so demotivated but tells you to stop whining like a baby, to pick yourself up and work harder because there is a silver lining for you

I don’t know about you but I have a voice like that in my head constantly bugging me but mine is only vocal when I meet a man but there are certain occasions where she practically yells in my ears

Occasions when I break down and sob my eyes at the failure I am afraid I am becoming… instead of weeping with me, and feeling so sorry for me, she yells to get my butt up and keep working

I call her she because her voice sounds feminine

When I meet a guy and checking him out, maybe fast forwarding five years into the future of my life with him. A picnic at the park with my family. This guy who is now my husband caressing my small baby bump as we watch our two year old son playing catch with his dog (I found dogs cute, even though they scare the living shit out of me), screaming at the top of his voice with so much happiness

When I do this with any new guy, I see which fits into my taste. She whispers in my ears “He is not yours, he is not yours, you are just meeting him to learn a lesson” She is always saying that, it is never “He is yours” always “He is not yours”

She told me this when I met my guy with the wack jokes, “He is not yours, your meeting is for a lesson”

Weird right?

I don’t even understand how it happened but we hooked up. My first night with my guy with wack jokes was totally unplanned and it was wonderful. I felt so loved that night with the way he treated me. I felt like a queen.

Not my first time with a guy but for days, I kept reminiscing about that night and looking forward to another with him

Then that voice came again “He is not yours, your meeting is for a lesson”

Deep down, I knew that was true and that he was not mine but it felt so good to be with him. So, I threw all cautions to the air and pursued him.

I knew he does not see me in that line but I didn’t care. With that glorious night in mind, I thought I could make him see me.

So, I confessed and I told him how I felt about him. He was so cool with it but he didn’t say it back.

“It is fine” I told myself “I just need to work more on making him fall for me”

Then that irritating voice came crawling again “He is not yours, your meeting is for a lesson”

“Shut your trap” I replied the annoying voice “What do you know about men? I just need more mind-blowing nights with him and everything will fall in place”

Another night was scheduled and to my utter disappointment, the chemistry was missing

The magic was gone

Each time, I think back to the second night and I reached this singular conclusion

“I forced myself on him”

And like just that, whatever feelings I have for him started to disappear. The result of the second night ruined the magical first night with him

“I did tell you he is not yours, your meeting is for a lesson” She blabbed again

But she was right, I am always learning a lesson with every guys I have been with sexually

With my first kisser, I learnt that a love developed on sexual activities is never going to last

With my first boyfriend turned ex, I learnt that my love is like a wind and the moment it leaves a place, it never returns

With Shy Richard, I learnt that I am never going to do well with a controlling man

With Slim T, I learnt that I can be pleasured, I can have orgasms and that I just need to find a man willing to understand my body

With D, I learnt that I can be loved by man without him asking for anything in return